Father won't see son... Advice, PLEASE!!

[j***@gmail.com]

Can you please get in contact with me by cell. I'm going throw a similar situation. [phone]

[d***@gmail.com]

When I got pregnant, my husband divorced me. Why? I didn't have his
"permission" to get pregnant. He refused to come to the hospital when his son
was born. It was far from an amicable divorce. When it came down to
visitation and custody, he adamently stated he wanted none, so that's what he
got.
Around when our son turned five, and he had lost the child support battle
(which went all the way to the State Supreme Court--he felt that since he
didn't want him born he shouldn't have to support him) he decided his best
revenge against me would be to ask for visitation leading to joint custody. He
expected me to be against it, and when I surprised him by being thoroughly FOR
it, he decided to not proceed with anymore visitation. So, my son saw his
father a total of five times in three months, and hasn't seen him since. That
was almost two years ago.
No visitation or custody agreements were ever entered in court, so technically
he still has no rights.
My son announced tonight that he wants to spend a night or two with his father
in his home. This causes a dilemma. Previously, about 6 months ago, he made
the same request. The father was contacted, told what his son desired, flatly
stated he wanted nothing to do with him, and felt that since he didn't have any
visitation rights set by the court that he didn't want to possibly violate the
law. (yeah, right... ) My son has tried calling him several times since then,
but he either refuses to come to the phone, or never returns his calls.
So, how do I handle this? My son already thinks his father's a jerk for not
seeing him, but he keeps hoping he'll change his mind. I want them to have a
father-son relationship; my son really NEEDS his father!
Sure, it's easy to say that my son would be better off without him, but that's
pretty hard to tell a little kid. I have no male family members or friends in
the area who could step in as a father figure.
Oh, another reason he doesn't want contact with us... He's $9000 behind in
child support and thinks that I'm going to serve him with suit papers if he
shows up... I'm not. I don't need/want it. I would never make my son a pawn
in all this. I just want to do what's best for him.
What can I tell the father that might make him change his mind about seeing his
son?
Please post your replies here.
This account does not accept internet mail... so deal with it. Keep your
flames to yourself.

I am a father who was married for 15 years to a very abusive wife. I fathered her 3 year old child and loved him as my own. We then had a child between us and were very happy when he was born. I never hit my sons. I always told them how proud of them, did there school projects with them, sports and bought them things when I would get a bonus from work, etc. I gave my wife everything I could and always made more and more money. I never hit her and never cheated on her. When the money stopped flowing she kicked me while I was down. I was depressed and needed some help. I finally decided to leave her for she was getting even meaner towards me. My stepson is 20 and our son is 15. She has brainwashed them both never to speak to me again and they haven't for 3 years. I never ever imagined that my own son would not speak to me in my lifetime. The pain of not seeing, hearing or touching him is beyond words. It hurts even worse to think that he hates me and never wants to see me. Everyday and night I cant stop thinking about him. It kills me inside to know what that mean woman has said to him. I could never imagine a father that wants nothing to do with his own son. Please let your son know that his father has a mental problem of some kind. Or was abused by his father as a child. It sounds like the father has a huge problem with himself as a person not just a father. You are a good woman not to poison your son against his father like my wife did. Hope this helps:)

[Robert A. Fink, M. D.]

When I got pregnant, my husband divorced me. Why? I didn't have his
"permission" to get pregnant. He refused to come to the hospital when his son
was born. It was far from an amicable divorce. When it came down to
visitation and custody, he adamently stated he wanted none, so that's what he
got.
Around when our son turned five, and he had lost the child support battle
(which went all the way to the State Supreme Court--he felt that since he
didn't want him born he shouldn't have to support him) he decided his best
revenge against me would be to ask for visitation leading to joint custody. He
expected me to be against it, and when I surprised him by being thoroughly FOR
it, he decided to not proceed with anymore visitation. So, my son saw his
father a total of five times in three months, and hasn't seen him since. That
was almost two years ago.
No visitation or custody agreements were ever entered in court, so technically
he still has no rights.
My son announced tonight that he wants to spend a night or two with his father
in his home. This causes a dilemma. Previously, about 6 months ago, he made
the same request. The father was contacted, told what his son desired, flatly
stated he wanted nothing to do with him, and felt that since he didn't have any
visitation rights set by the court that he didn't want to possibly violate the
law. (yeah, right... ) My son has tried calling him several times since then,
but he either refuses to come to the phone, or never returns his calls.
So, how do I handle this? My son already thinks his father's a jerk for not
seeing him, but he keeps hoping he'll change his mind. I want them to have a
father-son relationship; my son really NEEDS his father!
Sure, it's easy to say that my son would be better off without him, but that's
pretty hard to tell a little kid. I have no male family members or friends in
the area who could step in as a father figure.
Oh, another reason he doesn't want contact with us... He's $9000 behind in
child support and thinks that I'm going to serve him with suit papers if he
shows up... I'm not. I don't need/want it. I would never make my son a pawn
in all this. I just want to do what's best for him.
What can I tell the father that might make him change his mind about seeing his
son?
Please post your replies here.

La Amante,

You didn't say how old your son is (it appears that he is not much
older than 5 years of age). If the child is only 5 or 6, connection
with his father under the present circumstances might be very
traumatic, especially if his father rejects him (which seems likely).
Before I went any farther, I would consult a good family therapist
and, after a few sessions (involving the child, also), a decision
could be reached.

At base, however, if the father does not want to connect with his son,
nothing you can do will force the issue.


Good luck.


Bob

Robert A. Fink, M. D., President
California Parents United, Inc.

"The best parent is both parents...."

[Joseph]

Absolutely nothing! He didn't want children from the start and
evidently hasn't changed his mind. You should have thought about all
of this BEFORE you got pregnant. Your son is going to have to pay for
your decision the rest of his life.
Victoria Lee

Thank you, Victoria! I felt the same. I married a woman a few years back, and from the beginning she wanted to get pregnant, and was very sneaky about it. We discussed and agreed together that we needed to settle down before we had kids. But, I guess, she only agreed to keep me happy. A few months after marriage, she became pregnant. I was not happy, but tried not to show it. She miscarried, and all hell broke loose. She blamed me for the miscarriage, and the marriage went down from that point. Then a few months later, she got *accidently* pregnant. She delivered a healthy child, and I was happy for the child. But we weren't ready for the child, and she couldn't cope with the child. I had to leave my job to look after her. After a few months of this, she left me to go live with her family. I couldn't bear to be separated from my child now. She came back after 6 months, and straight away got pregnant again. Now she started blaming me for making her pregnant. When the 2nd child was 6mths old, she ran away with them, left the two children at her parents and God knows where she is now. It's been a few years, and I can't forget them, nor can I go back to how it was...

[d***@gmail.com]

You have done everything you can do. Since you we're married when you got pregnant, it was implied that you and he were going to start a family. It's not your fault he changed the plan. Just live your life and love your son. One day the child may become something great. The fathers that abandon their children always want to be involved THEN.

[p***@gmail.com]

When I got pregnant, my husband divorced me. Why? I didn't have his
"permission" to get pregnant. He refused to come to the hospital when his son
was born. It was far from an amicable divorce. When it came down to
visitation and custody, he adamently stated he wanted none, so that's what he
got.
Around when our son turned five, and he had lost the child support battle
(which went all the way to the State Supreme Court--he felt that since he
didn't want him born he shouldn't have to support him) he decided his best
revenge against me would be to ask for visitation leading to joint custody. He
expected me to be against it, and when I surprised him by being thoroughly FOR
it, he decided to not proceed with anymore visitation. So, my son saw his
father a total of five times in three months, and hasn't seen him since. That
was almost two years ago.
No visitation or custody agreements were ever entered in court, so technically
he still has no rights.
My son announced tonight that he wants to spend a night or two with his father
in his home. This causes a dilemma. Previously, about 6 months ago, he made
the same request. The father was contacted, told what his son desired, flatly
stated he wanted nothing to do with him, and felt that since he didn't have any
visitation rights set by the court that he didn't want to possibly violate the
law. (yeah, right... ) My son has tried calling him several times since then,
but he either refuses to come to the phone, or never returns his calls.
So, how do I handle this? My son already thinks his father's a jerk for not
seeing him, but he keeps hoping he'll change his mind. I want them to have a
father-son relationship; my son really NEEDS his father!
Sure, it's easy to say that my son would be better off without him, but that's
pretty hard to tell a little kid. I have no male family members or friends in
the area who could step in as a father figure.
Oh, another reason he doesn't want contact with us... He's $9000 behind in
child support and thinks that I'm going to serve him with suit papers if he
shows up... I'm not. I don't need/want it. I would never make my son a pawn
in all this. I just want to do what's best for him.
What can I tell the father that might make him change his mind about seeing his
son?
Please post your replies here.
This account does not accept internet mail... so deal with it. Keep your
flames to yourself.

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